When my co-editor Luke told me that P!nk was in a horror movie, I metaphorically spat my coffee out. P!nk, pop-rock star, in a horror movie, set in the catacombs? No way! Without further ado, we put the movie on, sat back and pondered whether we would have gone to the catacombs if we had seen this movie before we actually went earlier this year.
The plot is as follows. Victoria (Shannyn Sossamon), a young and somewhat troubled (not to mention annoying) American woman, goes to the City Of Light, Paris, to visit her sister, Carolyn (P!nk/Alecia Moore) , who lives there – “it’ll do her some good”, apparently. Within 48 hours of her touching down in the city, her sister and all of the people she met there are dead. On her first night in Paris, she goes to a party with her sister and her housemates. Not just any old party, oh no, an illegal rave in the catacombs. For those of you who haven’t heard of the ‘Catacombes de Paris”, it is in underground mass crypt that holds the remains of around 6 million people. It takes the terrifying format of hundreds of darkened tunnels decorated with the bones of the dead. Truly the perfect setting for a horror film when you think about it. Deep down underground, we learn of a somewhat horrific story about the Cult of the Black Virgin and the man/demon they created that roams the catacombs, looking for human flesh to feed on. Sure enough, soon our annoying and mostly pathetic final girl is under hot pursuit from said demon (in a dead goat mask) and she must fight for survival as she tries to make her way out of the ‘tombs.
I must say, though I always attempt to keep an open mind, the minute I saw the descent into the catacombs and heard lines such as “the police keep trying to find us, but they never find us amongst the hundreds of thousands of miles of tunnels” (that’s not a word for word quote, just fyi), I instantly found myself doubting the plot line and the authenticity of the catacombs layout – I don’t remember seeing such massive clearings that are big enough to have a rave in. Also, I highly doubt the police would have difficulty finding you when there’s a (very slow-moving) queue of hundreds outside the one and only public entrance. But all that aside…
Whilst I highly enjoyed the atmospheric, pull-your-hair out, chase scenes, of which there were a few. The whole thing was ruined for me by the wet-as-a-mop final girl, Victoria. From the beginning, there was no doubt that she was going to be the one that survived but I like my final girls to have a bit of sass about them and Miss Sossamon unfortunately failed miserably in that department and toward the end of the movie, I found myself actually wishing that the horrid goat monster would kill her. P!nk, though not the best actress, was convincing enough and I enjoyed the contrast between her character and that of her sister Victoria. The location was of course perfect and really helped to build the suspense – you cannot argue with a little atmospheric horror. I feel with a different leading lady this could have been a really good movie.
Unfortunately, I cannot forgive such a shoddy heroine, but the movie did manage to provoke a few yelps and make me jump on several occasions. The ending, though I know is not that popular amongst a lot of horror fans, wasn’t bad, it was just a little predictable. Though not the best movie I’ve seen recently, it was certainly a bit of fun and enjoyable to watch, just don’t go in with great expectations.