Have you ever had that feeling when your eyes are watery with fatigue and your head is splitting in pain? I have that feeling right now. I’ve just watched White Noise. I use the term ‘watched’ loosely as I may – or may not – have fallen asleep during some of it, and I’m not just saying that for effect.
Directed by Geoffrey Sax who later went on to direct the shockingly bad Alex Rider: Stormbreaker (I’m sensing a theme here), the story focuses on architect Jonathan Rivers (Michael Keaton) whose life takes a turn for the worst when his second-wife Anna (Chandra West) dies in a bad thunderstorm. Rivers is soon after contacted by a guy called Raymond (Ian McNeice) who claims Jonathan’s dead wife has contacted him through EVP. At first skeptical, until things start to get a little freaky at home, he goes to visit Raymond only to find him dead. As a man possessed, Rivers cannot face the thought of losing contact with his wife and takes it upon himself to track her down using EVP. Rather swiftly, he becomes a genius at the craft and starts contacting ghosts willy nilly through his screen, and, after realising the ‘ghosts’ aren’t dead…yet, he starts trying to save them.
Whilst the movie may have marketed itself as a thriller, it has fewer thrills than an easyJet flight to Brussels. Whilst Keaton tries his level best with some very intense eyebrow furrowing, the screenplay is so shockingly dire, that his efforts are completely wasted.
White Noise might not be the worst movie in the world (I’m fairly sure…), it’s just completely uninteresting, not to mention ridiculous. Yes, there’s always someone who goes to investigate a strange noise, but no man would time and time again visit some disserted wherever – by himself, in the middle of the night – in order to find out what a ghost was telling him.
Whilst there may be some rather unsettling scenes in the build-up, the ending is so frightfully muddled that it completely ruins any good work the film may have done to redeem itself. All in all, one very unsatisfying ‘thriller’ and a complete waste of time.