Amphibious (2010) – Friday Morning Creature Feature from the Bargain Basement of Terror

This Friday’s critter chiller was a quid in Poundland, they seem to have plenty of them too.

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Janna Fassaert is alliterative marine biologist Skylar Shane

Glam marine biologist Skylar Shane (Janna Fassaert) hires Jack Bowman (Michael Pare) to take her out to get some samples in the North Sumatra Sea. On the way he has to drop off some cash at a smuggler’s hideout on a fishing platform. On the platform Shane runs into Tamal (Monica Sayanbati) a girl pretending to be a boy, who was sold to the platform owner by her sorcerer uncle (Bambang Budi Santoso). Fed up with the regular beatings dished out to the kids that work the platform Tamal is keen to get off, however Bowman refuses to take her as he owes money to the smuggler boss. Bad idea because Tamal summons a gigantic great Eurypterid or Sea Scorpion from the Paleozoic era to sort the smuggler boss out. Naturally its arrival coincides with Skylar and Bowman returning to the platform to rescue the kids.

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Amphibious is a pretty standard creature feature albeit at an exotic location and with a different kind of critter (at least I don’t think a Eurypterid has been done before, except maybe in the TV series Primeval). Actually it’s not so much a real Euryptid, more a fuck-off huge but slightly damp terrestrial scorpion, I looked them up on Wiki and fossil Eurypterids don’t actually look that much like the CGI beastie in question which has a huge stinger in its tail. as well as massive pair of claws, but it’s still a fairly impressive beastie nonetheless.

Sadly you’d get an interest free credit deal from Oak Furniture Land on most of the cast, Fassaert simpers as the brainy academic (you can tell she’s brainy, she’s wearing spex at the beginning of the film), while Pare plays the kind of rough necked sexist prick who thinks the easiest way to get into a woman’s drawers is to be a rough necked sexist prick, no I don’t find that remotely likable in a man either. Other than that there is a pointless subplot concerning Shane’s missing presumed dead daughter and the magical hocus pocus stuff really isn’t explored sufficiently for it to be meaningful to the story, but there are some gruesome scorpion attack injuries and a tiny bit of nudity exploitation fans

So nice enough FX, exotic locations, underdeveloped story, ok if a bit wooden acting, but nowhere near as dire as the acting in Shark Exorcist and only a quid in Poundland at the moment. I give Amphibious a 444/666.

To be completely fair Shark Exorcist and its fellows have seriously lowered the gate on acting and production values.

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