Vampire Shadows AKA Shira the Vampire Samurai (2005) from the Bargain Basement of Terror

The artwork on the box said Underworld/Blade knockoff to me, ‘How bad can Vampire Shadows be?’ I wondered.

vampire shadows

Like Blade, Shira (Chona Jason) is a semi vampire having been bitten in 16th century Japan (we know that it’s old Japan because of the bloke trying to run about in Samurai armour) and committing seppuku before she can be turned. As a consequence when the seppuku blade is pulled out of her heart she returns to life as an immortal vampire slayer, as you do.

vampire 1

Fast forward to present day LA and Shira is part of a vampire hunter gang along with a zen master, a bunch of muscle bound steroid abusers and one of those annoying kids who pulls off everything you need to know from the internet in a single keystroke. Now there’s a new vamp on the block called Kristoff (Adrian Zmed), using a goth strip club (are there such things?) as cover for an attempt to clone daywalkers from Shira’s eggs and his sperm. To assist his evil ambition he has even recruited Dr Mengele’s vampire assistant.

Naturally Shira isn’t to happy about this so she recruits some extra help in the muscle-bound shape of a descendent of Dr Van Helsing (Todd Tucker) who seems to know fuck all about vampire lore and a knock-off Eddie Murphy clone (only without Murphy’s charm) smart arse called Fingers (Lemar Knight) who reveals that the only way to kill a vampire is either exposure to daylight or ‘chopping his ass into little pieces’

To be fair I did expect to be disappointed so it didn’t come as an altogether great surprise that Vampire Shadows was a bit pants. Chona Jason is a former Playboy Playmate with limited acting ability and aside from Zmed who has at least done a bit of TV (TJ Hooker) in the past, I understand that most of the cast have only done porn before and the acting is Viagra stiff. On top of that the plot is ludicrous, the dialogue is terrible and the poorly choreographed fight scenes are derivative of other martial arts movies (there’s a really obvious steal from Enter the Dragon at the conclusion).

It’s not quite Shark Exorcist bad but it is a bad mashed up Blade/BarbWire/Enter the Dragon knockoff 222/666

My copy of Vampire Shadows was 1p on Amazon

 

 

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